When my mother died, I went to buy a nice dress to bury her. She had been in an insane ward for some time, and almost all of her (by her) beautifully handcrafted clothing had disappeared.
The dress I found was perfect, but it had short sleeves and, perhaps strangely, I was worried that I would be cold. After a lengthy search for a scarf to complement the dress, I found one that was perfect in every way except fringe. I liked the bangs, but my mom definitely wouldn’t have. I considered cutting it off, until my oldest and dearest friend Helen, who offered to join me and help me shop, said why don’t you keep the fringe? It will be a bit of you that goes with it.
A sob caught in my throat. It felt so touching, because my mother in life was rarely interested in me being me. It felt like a liberating moment when I was able to decide to be me anyway, whether it was welcome or not, when she couldn’t object anymore.
It’s a lifetime of growing up to be you. Be the leader you want to be.
Being the leader you want to be, having the impact you want to have, will not always be well received.
You could take that as a failure. In fact, it can feel like a full face plant.
At a meeting I attended a while back, I kept bringing up the topic of diversity. Let me say in the corporate language that allowed me to survive in that environment, it was not universally well received. I felt that diversity was not being adequately addressed. After one person told me to stop making her feel bad and be more positive, an amazing example of privilege in action, I had a flashback to my corporate days and why I was so glad to be out of that environment.
It is always a choice how you choose to appear. On that day, I think of appearing fierce. One of my values, fairness, was and is worth defending, even if my defense is not well received.
Yes, some progress was made. But not enough, in my opinion. Equity issues clearly remained.
Maybe I helped change things to be more equitable than the outcome would have been otherwise. I will never know. I certainly hope so.
Perhaps he could have been more diplomatic, less direct. Perhaps he could have worked to alleviate the guilt and discomfort this person felt for his attempt to silence me.
The thing is, I was willing to do the wrong thing rather than keep quiet. He was willing to fail instead of feeling that he hadn’t done all he could. The problem was and is too important.
And maybe I didn’t fall flat on my face as much as I feared. Direct communication is clear, and clarity is a good thing. Securing blame and discomfort from people is not my job, although women are often placed in that role. No one can make anyone feel anything (although they can try). If someone feels bad, you have the opportunity to see their discomfort and what it could mean.
Sometimes you can feel that you have failed, that you fell on your face. Whether true or not, it’s important to honor what you believe, to be fierce when the stakes are high, to be yourself as a leader even if you can see you’re not being happily accepted.
That is impact work.
I join you in the circle of people applauding you for coming forward, advocating, sometimes falling down, and moving on to make the impact you want to make. We are with you.