We may have a feeling of discomfort in our gut that does not match the words of the manipulator or we may feel trapped in accepting a request. Most people react in ways that increase the abuse or play the abuser’s game and feel small and guilty, but withdraw and allow unacceptable behavior. If you had a manipulative parent, it might be more difficult to recognize in a partner, because they are familiar to you.
Ancient wisdom to “know your enemy” is essential when dealing with a manipulator. Being able to detect these hidden arrows allows you to respond strategically to covert manipulation. Understanding what they are doing empowers you.
When people behave passively-aggressively, what appears passive or defensive is covert aggression. It is debatable to what extent their behavior is conscious or unconscious.
For the victim, it doesn’t matter. The effect is the same. Being too empathetic puts you in danger of being abused over and over again. When someone attacks you openly or covertly, they are being aggressive. Psychologist George Simon argues that these covert manipulators intentionally say and do things to get what they want: power and control.
For people with characteristic disorders, such as sociopaths and narcissists and some people with borderline personality disorder, he argues that their tactics are not unconscious in the way defense mechanisms normally operate. However, his behavior is so habitual that over time he becomes thoughtful. They don’t think about it, but they are still aware of it.
Goals of a manipulator
The goal of all manipulation is to gain influence to satisfy our needs, but habitual manipulators do it for power and control and use deceptive and abusive methods. Manipulators maintain dominance through ongoing and recurring emotional manipulation, abuse, and coercive control. They are often passive-aggressive. They may lie or act careful, or feel hurt or dismayed by your complaints, all to deflect any criticism and continue to behave in an unacceptable manner. By staying in control to do what they want, manipulators aim to:
1. To avoid being confronted.
2. To put you on the defensive
3. To make you doubt yourself and your perceptions
4. To hide your aggressive intent
5. To avoid responsibility
6. Not having to change
Over time, you are a victim and may lose confidence in yourself and your feelings and perceptions. Gaslighting is a treacherous and incapacitating form of manipulation.
Covert manipulation tactics
Manipulation can include overt aggression, such as criticism, narcissistic abuse, and subtle forms of emotional abuse. Handlers’ favorite covert weapons are: blame, complain, compare, lie, deny, feign ignorance or innocence (eg, “Who am I?”), Guilt, bribery, undermining, mind games, assumptions, ” foot in the door, “setbacks, emotional blackmail, avoidance, forgetfulness, inattention, false concern, sympathy, apologies, compliments and gifts and favors. See How to detect tampering.
Typical tactics are outlined below:
Lying
Habitual liars sometimes lie when they don’t have to. They do not lie because they are afraid and feel guilty, but to confuse you and do what they want. Some simultaneously put you on the defensive with accusations and other manipulative tactics. The lie can also be indirect through the vagueness and / or omission of material information, although everything that is said is true. For example, a cheater might say he was working late or at the gym, but not admit to an adulterous date.
Denial
This is not a denial that is unconscious, such as not realizing that you are being abused, have an addiction, or are avoiding facing difficult truths. This is a conscious denial to deny the knowledge of promises, agreements and behaviors. Denial also includes minimization and rationalization or excuses. The manipulator acts like you’re making a big deal out of nothing or rationalizes and excuses their actions to make you doubt yourself or even win your sympathy.
Avoidance
Manipulators want to avoid being confronted and taking responsibility at all costs. They can avoid conversations about their behavior simply by refusing to discuss it. This could be combined with an attack, such as “You’re always scolding me,” putting you on the defensive with guilt, guilt, or shame.
Evasion can be subtle and unnoticeable when a manipulator changes the subject. It can be camouflaged with bragging, compliments, or comments that you want to hear, such as “You know how much I care about you.” You may forget why you were upset in the first place.
Another avoidance tactic is avoidance that blurs the facts, confuses you, and casts doubt. I once dated a man who claimed that we were incompatible because I was too precise and he was an “overlooked” type of person. Precisely! He felt uncomfortable when he asked him questions or noticed inconsistencies in his half-truths. It became apparent that he was a clever and manipulative liar. It’s easy to give someone the benefit of the doubt and deny yourself when you’re hopeful in a relationship. When in doubt, trust them!
Guilt, guilt and shame
These tactics include projection, a defense in which the manipulator accuses others of his own behavior. Manipulators believe that “the best defense is a good offense.” By shifting blame, the aggrieved person is now on the defensive. The manipulator remains innocent and free to move on, while his victims now feel guilty and ashamed.
Abusers often blame their victims or anyone else. Be wary of an apology that is actually another manipulation. Addicts often blame their addiction on other people, their demanding boss, or their “bitchy” spouse. A criminal defendant without defense will attack the police or their methods of gathering evidence. Rapists used to be able to attack the reputation of their victims.
I counseled a couple in a domestic violence case, where the violent husband blamed his wife for his violence. I said, “I’m surprised your wife has so much power over you.” He was dumbfounded, as his entire agenda was to gain power over her.
Guilt and shame shift the focus towards you, weakening you while the abuser feels superior. The martyrs use guilt when they say or hint, “After all I have done for you …” sometimes combined with criticism that you are selfish or ungrateful.
Shame goes beyond guilt to make you feel inadequate. It degrades you as a person, your features or role, not just your actions. “Children would behave if they had a parent who knew how to parent (or earn a decent living).” Comparing is a subtle but powerful form of shame. It is detrimental when parents compare siblings to each other or to their playmates. Some spouses compare their partner to their ex to get the upper hand by making their partner feel inferior.
Guilt and shame can include “blaming the victim.” For example, you find evidence on your partner’s phone that he is flirting. Your partner is outraged that you spoke on the phone. Now he or she has shifted focus to you. By blaming you, your partner has avoided a confrontation about flirting and may also lie, downplay, or avoid you altogether. You, the actual victim, feel guilty about spying, undermining any justified anger, and thus can allow the flirting to continue unaddressed.
Intimidation
Bullying does not always carry direct threats, but it can be subtle. It can be achieved with a look or tone and statements like: “I always get my way”; “No one is irreplaceable.” “The grass is not greener”; “I have methods and friends in high places”; “You are not so young anymore”; or “Have you considered the repercussions of that decision?” Another strategy is to tell a story designed to provoke fear, such as: “She left her husband and lost her children, her home, everything.” “I’m fighting to win. I almost killed a guy once.”
Playing the victim
This is different from blaming the victim. Instead of blaming yourself, this “poor me” tactic arouses your guilt and sympathy, so you will carry out their orders. “I don’t know what I’ll do if you don’t help me.” Messier personalities often threaten suicide if you leave. It can also take the form of “You don’t care about me”; “Why do you treat me like that?” or “Nobody helps me.” Compliance with them breeds resentment, damages the relationship, and encourages continued manipulation. Guilt for someone else’s behavior or situation is irrational guilt.
conclusion
These tactics are destructive. You can forgive, but don’t forget. The manipulation is likely to continue. Over time, this is traumatic and can seriously damage your self-esteem. Consciousness is the first step. You may need help to see things clearly. Write down conversations and try to identify the abuse and all the tactics used. It is even more difficult not to take the words of the manipulator personally and learn to respond.
© DarleneLancer 2019