Dad follows 7-year-old Kenny into the shower. Kenny is dragging his towel across the rug. Dad says, “Pick up your towel!” Kenny turns around and sees that the towel is on the floor. He picks it up and walks to the bathroom.
Is there something wrong with this exchange? Actually, there is. If you stop and think about Dad’s parenting style, maybe you can figure it out. Is he being authoritative, permissive, or an innovative parent? How would you improve Dad’s communication skills?
You are not sure? Well, let’s take a closer look at the situation. If you believe in the adage: when people know better, they do better, let’s apply it here. What’s wrong with dragging a bath towel across the floor? gets dirty. People like to dry themselves with a clean towel. This is more hygienic.
Dad uses commands to structure his son’s behavior. “Stop teasing the dog.” “Put your toys away.” “Take your bath.” “Do your homework.” “Turn off the TV.” “Do this, don’t do that!” There may be a thousand or more commands that parents use to guide their children, but commands are the hallmark of the authoritarian parent. Such parents give orders and their child is expected to do as he is told. The subordinate (in our case, Kenny) is not expected to think for himself. Dad just tells him what to do.
What if Dad changed his communication style to statement sentences? What difference would that make? “Kenny, your towel is dragging on the floor.” Dad states a fact. Once Kenny’s consciousness is stimulated, he can choose between picking up the towel or continuing to drag it.
If he solves the problem by picking it up, Dad could say good choice or nothing because Kenny solved the problem and doesn’t need reinforcement.
If Kenny looks puzzled, like “What’s the problem if I drag my towel across the floor?” Dad might say, “I don’t think you want to dry yourself with a dirty towel after you clean up in the shower.” Now Kenny has more information than he did. He can choose himself to pick up the towel from him.
If you avoid doing children’s thinking for them, their critical thinking skills and IQ are more likely to increase. When parents expect children to analyze information and come up with reasonable, rational solutions to problems, you may be surprised how often they will.
By not using commands continuously, you can save them for when they have the most impact. stop! Do not! Do not do that! These commands have a special meaning, especially when a child is on a dangerous path.