I was recently asked this question by a wife whose husband had told her that he had had an affair as an “escape mechanism” for the stress that was in his life at the time. He had recently lost her father, was worried about his work, had health issues, and was generally just struggling with her life at the time. The wife didn’t buy any of this. Many people wanted an “escape” from everyday life, but not everyone chooses to cheat. And, if the husband was indeed struggling, he had a wife who would have been more than willing to help him through this.
This is a very valid point that few people would disagree with. Unfortunately, the husband’s approach to an affair may not always see these same points, especially at the time. In the following article, I will try to take you through the thought process of a husband who uses an affair as an escape. From time to time I dialogue with men in this situation as a result of my blog. Believe me when I say that I am not defending these husbands. As a wife who has been cheated on, she would never do that. But from first-hand experience, I believe that following the thought process can sometimes help with healing.
That said, it can be very difficult for those of us who would never, ever be unfaithful to identify with this thought. Infidelity is just a path that we would like to believe we would never take. So it may be difficult for us to understand this. But I think that having as much information as possible is generally an advantage that we should not pass up.
matters as an escape mechanism: First of all, it’s a little easier to accept this “escape” theory, when the affair or deception has only happened once. But, if a repeat offender gives you this excuse, it becomes harder to really believe this. Maybe it was caught off guard once, but if it keeps happening, then rehabilitation and healing probably won’t take place, and in hindsight one would like to think that it would learn to know better.
Yet sometimes I have men tell me that they didn’t see this coming, but have learned to slow down and never want to feel so vulnerable and helpless again. I can tell you that the vast majority of men tell me that they never set out to cheat or have an affair. It wasn’t part of his plan. They never intended it. But usually they will tell me that this happened at a very bad time in their life. It is much less common to hear of a man having an affair when things were going absolutely wonderful in his own life.
Many in bad situations face their own mortality after illness or the loss of someone close to them. They know they are getting old. They may be worried about their job or being able to provide for their family. They may feel insignificant, incompetent, or not worthy or strong. In short, for some reason, they feel quite vulnerable and they don’t like this very much.
Wives often ask me why in the world their husband wouldn’t reach out to them during this vulnerable period. This is really baffling and maddening, but my theory on this has always been (and many men have confirmed this to me) that they don’t want to admit this vulnerability to themselves, let alone you, who already suspect that you see them as “less than something that they themselves really want to be.
Usually what men tell me is that they were presented with an opportunity to have an affair. Most strongly deny that they went looking for him and will maintain that they never intended to cheat on his wife. Most will tell you that this took them completely by surprise. And, many will continue in the same way to insist that they never intended this to be a long-term thing. They were counting on the fact that no one would find out, hoping that they would be able to feel some relief, regain their confidence and strength, and then quickly move on and be able to face again without anyone needing to know.
What they often don’t count on is guilt or confusion that only adds to their problems and will start to make their wife suspicious or at least more attentive to their struggles. And this is typically when they realize that they have created more problems than they have solved. Of course, unfortunately, it is now too late.
These things do not excuse their deception and I do not mean to imply this. But I do think it can help understand your “escapism” thought process because it’s often quite real in your own mind, even though it doesn’t normally make much sense to us.