A talk show about arranged marriages was presented on September 29. For some reason, it caused controversy. A couple of the men and most of the women were upset at being forced to marry someone they didn’t love. However, more than 50% of marriages fail. That means that while most couples marry in the name of love, the fairy tale ends in divorce. If so many divorcees married for love and most are divorced, what happened? Is love enough?
For thousands of years, marriages were arranged. It is a recent phenomenon that most people choose their own spouse. With an arranged marriage, you have the benefit of your parents and grandparents buying your partner. They have been looking at specific families for compatibility. They would look at family values, attitudes of parents and children, socioeconomic class, ability to manage money, assets, etc. At the very least, they would marry their offspring to someone of the same socioeconomic class. At best, you can get married. To do that, the children would have to be prepared to marry, understand their role, and uphold the family name.
Today you are alone. On top of that, people are taught to be strong and independent. And the idea of compatibility has been replaced by love and romance. At the same time, women initiate 70% of divorces. Does that mean women don’t care about love? Does it mean that women do not value men? Or are men ignoring the needs of women?
In the gay community, 20% of marriages between men end in divorce. As for lesbian marriages, 45% end in divorce. It seems that women are having a hard time getting along with someone. In fact, the complaints in lesbian marriages are the same as in heterosexual ones. It seems that women are more likely to have unrealistic expectations about their partner or their ideas about how marriage works.
That being said, people may not be ready for marriage. Marriage is a binding legal contract between two people. Its origins have more to do with the protection of generational heritage. It guarantees that the assets acquired by the couple are protected and transmitted to the offspring.
Instead of getting married as a society, there are many who have fallen into the Hollywood love trap. That means lots of fun, excitement, and surprise gifts. Having fun becomes the priority over building a legacy. When the emotion fades, the chemical call disappears. That is often the path to divorce. Or infidelity becomes a substitute. When fun and excitement are the priority, the brain secretes dopamine from the fun stimuli. When the person is no longer receiving bursts of dopamine, he will look elsewhere for it. Actually, that’s like being married to a drug addict. They can’t function without your high. Hitting the gym is a much better way to get a dopamine rush.
On my talk show, we discuss how America got to this state of dysfunctional marriages. For the most part, it began with a book written in 1819 by John Keats. The book is called, The graceless pretty lady. It was one of the first romance novels. Initially, the book had little to no impact on American culture. However, in the 1850s, women began to desire the romance they read about in Keat’s novel. If you think about it, it may have been one of the most damaging blows to the institution of marriage. That book shaped how other romance novels were written. And it is responsible for Hollywood love themes. People have forgotten the intention of marriage. At one point, compatibility based on family values trumped love and fun. Also, over time, the couple in an arranged marriage would come to depend on each other and a kinship would form. Keat’s book derailed the old social structure and set society on a path of choosing a spouse based on feelings.
Also, during the 1920s, the DeBeers diamond company created a slogan: diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Before the 1920s, only wealthy men bought diamonds for their wives. After the DeBeers campaign, every woman expected diamonds. And they want a diamond that is bigger than their friend’s or sister’s.
What’s more interesting is that the idea of a man placing a diamond on a woman’s finger dates back to ancient Greece. The Greeks considered gemstones to have spiritual powers. Diamonds were known as the strongest stone. As a result, it symbolized protection. When a man left home for extended periods, he would place a diamond on her wife’s finger to protect her while he was gone.
The third aspect of society that has damaged marriage is the feminist movement. They convinced the women that marriage is an institution in which men completely dominate women. Men force women to bear their last name. Then he influences her belief system and completely changes her. He also keeps her barefoot and pregnant. That mentality causes women to marry defensive and protective feelings. Marriage is doomed before it begins. Except even lesbian marriages are failing. So it’s not about men. So what is missing?
In the past, parents and grandparents were involved in selecting a spouse. While there were forced arrangements, there were many marriages that were created with the best interests of the children at heart. Parents want the best for their children. They would rather see their child in a healthy union, rather than one filled with conflict. Through their experience, they can get a better idea of what is compatible with your child. That’s not based so much on the personality of the child. It is based on values. When you add grandparents to the equation, it becomes easier to match your offspring.
Compatibility and values are clearly demonstrated in the book, the millionaire mind, by Thomas Stanley. In his book, he writes about many millionaire couples he interviewed. He said they experience significantly fewer divorces than couples from lower socioeconomic classes. He said it wasn’t money or image that kept them together. He discovered that they were better at finding a match that was compatible based on values. In fact, many of the millionaire couples didn’t have a lot of money when they met. In other cases, the husband lost everything and the wife had to work. In some cases they were successful and then left homeless. However, they never broke up. The wife stayed with the husband even when they had to sleep outside the car. At some point, the effort of his team allowed them to achieve success.
I say that about saying that marriage is based on compatibility, not on feelings or dopamine rushes. When it comes to an arranged marriage, the two families thoroughly explore other families to ensure that the spouses and families are compatible. They may even have businesses that complement each other, much like owning a cattle ranch. The other owns a leather manufacturing business.
In today’s dating world, when a man and a woman are getting to know each other, the man can tell women whatever she wants to hear. When your parents and grandparents are looking for a spouse, they are interviewing the man and the family. It is a serious process. Therefore, it will be much more difficult for a man to be a player, especially with the father and grandfather involved. They may want to know if the man can run the family business. Does he have the caring and responsible qualities to take care of his daughter and grandchildren? They are likely to ask questions and get answers. That means the games are removed entirely, which is a source of frustration for men and women today. When a woman searches for a man on her own, she can get carried away by disappointment and a dopamine rush. On the contrary, a woman’s beauty and body can blind a man. When, in fact, she may only care about her resources. And she has no intention of being a good loving companion to the man. In fact, she may even deny him access to her body by not having sex. There are many marriages without sex.
On a side note, many of you may squeal that you don’t want to marry someone you don’t love. On my talk show, I talked about a reality show called beauty and the geek. The show brought together 10 geeky men with 10 attractive women. Geeks proclaimed that these are women they would never have the guts to approach in real life. The women also stated that these are not the types of men they would be interested in. Throughout the show, men and women teamed up to perform certain tasks together. As the show progressed, they rotated teaming up with a different person. At the end of the show, it was amazing to see the affinity shared between them. The show was a social experiment that proved that even unlikely people could build rapport. They just need a bridge to join them.
In short, arranged marriages could significantly reduce divorce in the US If you tap into the wisdom of your parents and grandparents or aunts and uncles, you’re more likely to choose or be matched with a significant other based on compatibility. Since feelings are fleeting, love can come and go. However, compatible values can be a stabilizing force.
Also, since parents want their children to marry the best person, it would be wise to educate them and prepare them for their role as spouses. First, that will make them a more attractive candidate. Second, they don’t have to play trial and error on everything. That gives the marriage a better chance of success.
When the marriage is arranged, both sides of the family are actively involved in the success of the couple. Because the entire family has a vested interest in the marriage, they serve as a support structure when the couple hits a rough patch.
Ultimately, successful unions would benefit society as a whole. The more successful marriages there are, the more people hope to be involved in a union of some kind. Even American companies will benefit. Conceived. On any given day, roughly 50% of the workforce is headed for a divorce, in the middle of one, or just coming out of one. That affects work productivity. Most are distraught when facing divorce. If you eliminate divorce from society, you create a happy and more productive workforce. everyone wins
What do you think? I would love to hear his comments. And I’m open to ideas. Or if you want to write to me about a specific topic, connect through my blog www.turnaroundip.blogspot.com.