While having my sixth milk chocolate cookie, I realized that I was trying to remove embarrassment and frustration from my system. After all, this was the fourth time he had taken this teacher exam and had not passed it. However, everything depended on me to pass it. Fortunately, he had a full-time teaching position. But for how long? I got frequent notes from the school district when, in short, it meant: pass or pack your degree.
Reflecting, I bit into my eighth cookie. Did I mention I was on a diet? Eating to comfort myself only compounded my frustration …
Few are able to “think straight” after great disappointment. We are emotionally vulnerable. At times like these, when we need to extend kindness and compassion to ourselves, we tend to treat ourselves harshly and berate ourselves. A string of thoughts ran through my mind like a steam engine during this stressful time: “Are you stupid?” The third grade teacher passed the test on the first try! Soon you will be homeless. Is that what you want, Rosalind?
Sounds familiar?
Although mistakes, delays, and disappointments are inevitable obstacles on the road to success, our inner critic can prevent us from learning lessons from our mistakes and then applying these lessons to get closer to our goals.
Yes, it is difficult to put your effort and time into a project and receive unfair criticism from your boss, or study hard for an important test and fail, or watch your partner leave with a younger woman. Our first knee-jerk reaction is, “What’s wrong with me? Or I can’t handle this!”
Unfortunately, over time some have chosen to “throw in the towel of life”, choosing to exist day by day; others have become detractors, projecting their inner critic onto anyone around them who shares their dream. These are the people who tell you all the reasons why your goals won’t work. Adopting these attitudes towards life is the real flaw.
But what separates the successful from the unsuccessful is what is between the ears: our mental conversations.
You could joke, “Hey, I’m not talking to myself!” But we all do it, whether it’s noticeable or not. Internal dialogue colors our expectations. For example, a co-worker walks down the hall and passes you. If your inner critic is connected, you may perceive their solemn greeting as offensive. You react. “What an unfriendly guy! He’s frowning. I’ll ignore him next time.” You never consider other factors such as if he just had an important argument with his wife and was restless. We strain our work relationships through negative self-talk.
What does it take to be successful in our personal and professional lives?
Learning to acknowledge and silence the inner critic is the only response that offers us the freedom to passionately pursue our desires.
Here are three ways to dismantle your “critic.”
1. Spending time with optimistic and successful people
What you walk around you become. Have you ever hung out with negative people? Their complaints and criticisms can drain you emotionally and physically after a short time. However, by being around positive and caring people, they can offer you understanding and grace as you face obstacles on your way to success. These real people acknowledge your disappointments and pain when you screw it up, but they will lovingly kick your butt and say, “Okay, let’s get back to work!” They have experienced their share of setbacks, but have chosen to find a way around their challenges. They will motivate you to do the same.
2. Talk to your inner critic
My friend Donna always told me, “Go to the lion’s roar.” What did she mean? He asserted that the roaring lion is always the mature one that had no teeth. She would say, “It’s all a bluff when it roars. It sounds scary, but it can’t hurt you.”
The inner critic reminds me of a roaring lion. Our critic may be strong and convincing, but learn to respond to him. When your critic gets upset, write in your journal. Draw a line in the middle of a sheet of paper in your journal. On the left side, write what your inner critic yells. For example, while studying for my teacher’s exam, I heard the critic say, “Why are you studying? You will fail again.” I wrote it in my journal.
On the right side counter that voice with the truth. In response to the criticism, I wrote: “I could fail the test, but if I give my effort and concentration, I know it will be a matter of time before I pass it.” I did this whenever I felt like feeling sorry for myself. Over time, the voice of my inner critic became a whisper. Try it. The truth will set you free.
3. Learn the life lesson
Of course, avoid letting the inner critic control your life! When we bow to feelings of self-pity, anger, and depression, we perceive ourselves as helpless. Our actions will align with our perceptions. The truth is that there are many solutions to problems and obstacles, we simply need to discover our options.
Since success is always a by-product of teamwork, make time for your positive support team. Ask them to help you identify areas of weakness and how to address certain problems. In the end, you will have many perspectives and options to work with. Select the option that best suits your circumstances and apply it. Follow the results and adjust them if necessary. Quickly learn your life’s lesson from a setback and you won’t have to repeat it.
After wallowing in self-pity and chocolate cookie crumbs framing my mouth, I finally decided I had no other choice. I needed to see why I failed this professor’s exam for the fourth time. What lesson did he need to learn? My weakest subject was Mathematics. The last course I took was Algebra in high school. That was twenty years ago!
I decided to find other teachers in my school who had not passed the exam. I found three teachers and we formed a study group. For six weeks we threw test questions at each other. We debated responses, shared test-taking strategies, stuffed our mouths with potato chips, and laughed.
Fortunately, each member of the team had their specialty topic. I was proud to be able to help the teachers with the essay questions in English. I improved answering questions in geometry and algebra.
Throughout the process, my inner critic tried to scream; He tried to get my attention, but he was focused, determined to pass that test and complete my teacher training program. Somewhere in the process
he forgot about the critic. I took the exam and am proud to report that I passed it.
You deserve the best that life has to offer. Dating positive and successful people. Work with the inner critic by listening to him and feeding him the truth. It will shrink. Learn the lessons each circumstance presents to you and you will become more emotionally resilient, productive, and successful.