In the past, I’ve told my story about how I saved my own marriage, and I often write articles offering advice on how to do this in your own marriage. A couple of days ago, I received an email from a wife who had been married for over a decade. She shared with me that, in the last two years, she has felt that her husband is slipping away from her. She told me that her husband “spends less time at home, doesn’t show me as much affection, makes excuses not to spend time with me, and generally just ignores or ignores me.”
She said that when she has tried to mention this to him, he gets defensive and this results in a big fight that pushes him further away. Of course, she is very frustrated and scared. She is afraid that at best she is headed for a loveless marriage and at worst he is headed for divorce. He asked me for my “best advice to save this broken marriage” and that’s what I offered him. But I also know that many women feel exactly the same and are in very similar situations. So, this is my answer in a nutshell.
Don’t make drastic changes that don’t look genuine: Many wives in this situation feel they have to do something drastic to get their husband’s attention. Therefore, they make a great atypical display of love, affection and attention, or give ultimatums, become very aggressive or act in a way that is not usual or convenient for them.
There are two problems with this. The first is that the husband knows that this is your last ditch effort and he usually doesn’t believe you because he knows you are trying to manipulate him. Or, his overly aggressive pursuit, pleading, arguing, or heavy-handedness only makes her seem more unstable and undesirable and pushes her husband further away from you.
There are a few ways to avoid this in the future. The first is to always be very aware of the message that your actions are sending to your husband. The aggressive, angry, heavily weaponized tactic is really saying, “What’s wrong with you? Why are you doing this to me? Who do you think you are to want to change things or be happy?” No one wants to hear this message. I’m sure you don’t realize that this is what your actions are saying, but this is what he is hearing. So, in response, her husband will block his efforts.
Likewise, desperate, pleading, or overcompensating actions are really saying, “I can’t live without you. I’m not strong or self-sufficient.” And, these things are very unattractive to men. So if you’ve taken one or these tactics, consider abandoning them, because in my experience and research, they rarely work in the long run.
The best approach to save your marriage:So now that I’ve shown you what doesn’t work, I want to share with you what does. The message you want to send to your husband, both with your actions and your words, is meant to relieve tension, get them on the same side, and reassure your husband that he and your marriage are your top priority, (although you fully intend to leave their dignity and respect intact.)
So no matter how you say it, whether with words or actions, the message you want to send is “I’ve noticed a distance and I’ve also felt disappointed with the course of our marriage. I also see that we’re not so good anymore.” very close we were and I want to change that. We both deserve to be happy and I know from our past that we can be very happy together. However, we don’t know what the future holds. So no matter where our relationship goes, I want to focus on improving it, even if I don’t get the result I want. I know this will take more effort, more time, and more attention than both of us have been giving. For my part, “I intend to change that. I know you may not believe this now, but I think in time you will see by my actions that I mean it. You are too important to me to continue down this path. I know I can. I don’t control your thoughts or feelings, but I can control my own actions and I intend to.”
Keeping your promises:This may sound harsh, but I think it’s better to know the truth. I interview many husbands for my articles and they basically all tell me the same thing. They drop out of their marriages because they feel their needs haven’t been met (or even noticed) for a long time. They may have tried to ask for more time or attention, but for some reason they feel they haven’t been heard, so they stop communicating and shut down. This unfortunate process contributes to their disconnection from you because in their mind nothing changes or improves. Until you show them otherwise, hope they don’t believe you and things won’t change overnight at first.
But as you begin to keep your promise that your actions will help rather than hurt your interactions with others, you’ll probably notice a change. Once you start respecting yourself enough to do the things that make you happy and fulfill you so that you have something to give back, and once you start to stop holding on so tightly to the future and start focusing only on today, you will notice a noticeable difference.
Your husband will begin to suspect that maybe things can change after all. Maybe you are serious. You are no longer participating and arguing. She is not trying to get a compromise or have deep discussions. You are only focusing on having positive experiences and interactions. You are taking it one day at a time. It’s so much nicer to be around and you’re not trying to manipulate him.
Little by little, you will begin to see glimpses of the two people who once loved each other very much. The shadow of the woman he first fell in love with will begin to turn into something he can touch and see. Negative expectations and experiences will begin to give way to positive ones. He will eventually stop blocking you and start being responsive again.
These things will not happen overnight. It will take time to rebuild trust, but the first step is to change course and let go of what isn’t working. This may seem risky at first, but it really isn’t. Sometimes you have to shake things up to get a different result. Business as usual hasn’t worked. It’s time to try something new.