What has happened? Have we succumbed to habitual self-deception and deceit with others out of self-preservation, fear, lack of confidence, or ego? And if so, what damage do we suffer in our personal and business life?
Are we really living in a world that evolves around deception? It seems that the answer is a resounding yes. It would certainly be extremely difficult to find someone who has not lied, to himself or others, almost every day of his life.
I suspect that many, who tell the department store salesperson “I’ll be back,” with no intention of going back, give little regard to his deceptive or lying behavior.
If that was just an isolated instant of deception, not much damage would occur. However, lying is ubiquitous in our culture and as such works quite well for us, helping us navigate multiple problems in life and business. It would seem that deception is fundamental to the human condition and is a function that works not just sometimes but more often. Or does it?
But, could we rationalize the lie, on one level, as being fine and on another not so well? We often hear ourselves in little lies when we get caught with our hands in the cookie jar with exaggerations and extreme intentional lies. As you follow it with a sense of curiosity, we can explore innocent deception as opposed to outright criminal deception and the implications that play out in one’s life.
Studies show that women lie for different reasons than men. University of Massachusetts Amherst psychologist Robert S. Feldman found that women were more likely to lie to make a stranger feel good, and men more often lie to make themselves look good. Studies have been done showing that men are more likely to lie about their sexual conquests, while women tend to disclose their sexual experiences less. The many lies we engage in may seem somewhat innocent and are not just verbal, but take forms of non-verbal deception.
Catch me – Catch me:
Here are just a few examples of lies – literally making statements and displaying forms of non-verbal behavior that are simply not true.
- Making statements during an interview with exaggerations that are heavily embellished to influence or support the padded resume.
- I’ll call you right back, never to pick up the phone (procrastination or lies?)
- How about that fake flashing smile with the accompanying statement, “Have a nice day”?
- The lies people tell to gain an advantage or to boost a friend’s self-confidence: your best friend was fired from her job and you told her she didn’t deserve to be fired when, in fact, you knew that her performance always evaluates they were at the lower end of the scale.
- The choreography of deceptive skills to attract a potential partner to sexual activities or a relationship.
It seems that lying will continue to be ubiquitous in our lives because it works and helps us gain an advantage in social, professional and financial success.
Self-deception! – Self-harm?
Aldert Vrij, from the Department of Psychology at the University of Portsmouth, UK, says in his paper that “people fool themselves, a process called self-deception. After failing an exam, students often fool themselves. themselves believing that they couldn’t be motivated enough to double-check for the exam, rather than admitting that they don’t understand the topic very well. “
Putting wool over our eyes has critical ramifications. Let’s put another spin on this concept of lying to ourselves and see how self-deception creates procrastination.
The mind can distort the perception of deception and trigger procrastination and self-harm. Experts agree that procrastination is unnecessarily postponing, postponing, or delaying a timely activity and is learned behavior. Self-deception in the most innocent form becomes learned behavior and flows into all areas of life.
Lies start to take on a life of their own for a long time, tricking us into believing them as truths and because they work, we construct them.
Example: you are in a retail store admiring a jacket, which you fall in love with, until you see the price. Knowing you can’t afford it, you put it back on the shelf, and when it starts to come out, tell the salesperson you’ll be back; the salesman smiles and you are on your way, knowing full well that it was a lie, an innocent lie, but never the less a lie.
Rather, you have a report due first thing in the morning and your boss stops by your office to remind you. You smile, you say that the report is finished and that it will be on your boss’s desk first thing in the morning. However, that was not the truth, and he will be burning the midnight oil because he has postponed the preparation of the report for the last week. The next morning, he reports sick because he needs several more hours to work on the report. Your boss is understanding and gives you a pass until the next day.
Lying worked again, supporting your lying and procrastinating behavior. But self-deception serves to protect your ego and self-esteem to some extent. Think of a time when you were turned down for a job or a date. The little lie that may have moved on in his explanation when asked why he was rejected was: I wasn’t interested in this person after all, or the job just didn’t pay enough, so I turned it down. The real reason was that the person was not interested in you and in the job interview you did not qualify (to protect your ego and self-esteem, you lied).
Clients I’ve worked with over the years come to me with deep-seated fears that are anchored in what they believe to be true about themselves. All of which creates compound habits of procrastination, lack and limitations in your life, that doesn’t mean that people who have it all together don’t lie. By definition, lying is an intentional act. Someone who does not tell the truth by mistake or believe what he is saying; he is not lying. A person, who mistakenly believes that he was shot while driving his car down the road and reports it to the police, has given a false report, but did not lie.
Political lies:
Did President Bush mislead the world and the American people with his reasons for invading Iraq? What about John Kerry, who also supported the invasion of Iraq? Was he also lying to the American public? It appears that they both mistakenly believe that they were telling the truth based on the anecdotal evidence provided to them.
In contrast: after the Monica Lewinsky scandal broke, President Clinton fiercely lied, saying he had never had sex with those women.
Self-Oriented Lies and Others Oriented Lies:
“Although no gender differences are found in the frequency of lies, it was observed that men and women tend to tell different lies” – Aldert Vrij. Regardless, self-deception in any form, believing that one is less than what one is, is detrimental to the full actualization of a person’s true capacity and potential in life.
Example: Self-deception (self-oriented lies) that occurs in a person who believes that, under whatever conditions he / she will fail an upcoming exam, is based on his / her historical past, engages in procrastination, and avoids what is necessary to take the test. examination, which excludes the individual from achieving his objective.
Other selfish lies that many engage in include:
- Hiding information by avoiding the questions of others, by asking your 14 year old son or daughter if they smoke and they respond with a question, do mom / dad really think I smoke?
- A spouse hides his opinion when the husband asks about his sexual satisfaction.
- Many people fear rejection and try to please others by avoiding giving their opinion on an issue and, therefore, lie, hide or avoid a situation.
Many irrational fears are fostered by self-deception, which leads to anxiety, hopelessness, anger, lack of confidence, and low self-esteem.
The consequences of self-deception and lying may not always be the same. Lying under oath will have stronger consequences than lying about the number of dates you had this month. Regardless, the true consequence of lying, even though it has worked for you many times, becomes habit formation, many habits that can lead to procrastination and self-destruction.