“I need an appointment for marriage counseling today! We’ll sign the divorce papers tomorrow.” Believe it or not, we often receive these types of phone calls. What are the options in this situation? Although there is a chance that marriage counseling at such a late date will work, it is a slim chance. And very often, once a relationship reaches this stage and one or two marriage counseling sessions fail to work a miracle, the participants see no further point in counseling. Let’s examine how the partners in this relationship could make better decisions.
Get early marriage counseling
First of all, let’s go back a few years. Most troubled relationships don’t turn out that way all at once. There are issues for months or years before divorce lawyers get involved. Some relationships even start out chaotic. Marriage counseling should not be considered a last resort. Marriage counseling can help solve small problems before they become big problems. If problems are allowed to go unresolved, then each passing day can bring new irritations. Every small or big incident brings new feelings. Eventually, the resentment becomes overwhelming and the relationship is beyond repair. Marriage counseling is most effective from the start. Key questions are “Does each couple still love the other couple?” and “Is each partner willing to make an effort to save the relationship?” If the answers to both questions are “Yes,” then the relationship has a good chance of success.
It takes two to tango
It takes effort from both partners for a relationship to be successful. And if the relationship is in trouble, you can be pretty sure that both of you have contributed to the dysfunction. If one partner takes the other to counseling and, in effect, tells the counselor, “My partner is the problem. Here, fix it,” then the relationship is probably doomed. The partner who thinks the other is the problem will not be willing to make changes. Why should they if they are not the problem? However, if both partners are willing to see their contribution to the problems in the relationship, and both are willing to make changes, then the relationship has a much better chance of success.
Think of the children
Suppose that after a few sessions it becomes obvious to one or both partners that the relationship is over. Maybe one of the partners just came to counseling so they could say that he tried it one last time. Does this mean that additional advice is not important? If there are children involved, then just because the marriage is over doesn’t mean the relationship is over. Divorce is tough enough on the kids, without the added stress of warring parents using the kids as weapons to attack the other parent. This is unfair to the children and is not ending the relationship with dignity. There will be visits to coordinate, parent-teacher conferences, doctor visits, vacations, birthdays, etc. They may no longer want to live together, but they must get along well enough to provide safe and healthy environments for the children. Counseling can help each parent learn to end the relationship with dignity and mutual respect so that children can grow up with two loving parents who model responsible adult behavior.
life after divorce
Relationships end but life goes on. If your relationship ended badly, chances are you weren’t really right for each other. Without guidance, it’s very likely that even with the best of intentions, he’ll repeat the same mistakes she got herself into this mess with in the beginning. He can even make up some new bugs. Obviously, there was something that attracted you to your ex to begin with. To avoid making the same mistakes again, you need to understand why you’re attracted to someone who isn’t really right for you, and then learn how to make better decisions going forward. Often this involves developing a deeper understanding of who you are and what you want out of life. It helps to have an expert relationship counselor guide you through this process and offer unbiased advice and information.
So the lessons are to get marriage counseling early, both partners need to make changes to make the relationship work, if the relationship must end end it with dignity for your sake and the sake of the children involved and examine your dating preferences and practices so that the next relationship can be long lasting and loving. Divorce represents both an ending and a new beginning!