This probably happens to a lot of men and women who are trying to get their ex back.
His ex tells him that he’s not ready to get back together just yet, but suggests that the two of them stay in touch as friends and see where things go. So, they email or talk regularly and feel like they’re engaged in each other’s lives once again. You haven’t gotten back together, but the communication between you two is warm and friendly. They have even talked about being open and honest with each other, because they value each other’s friendship. But then one day you find out that your ex lied to you.
Your ex told you that he was going out with some friends, but he had a date nonetheless. Are you alive. Why would your ex lie to you? Why didn’t he or she just tell you the truth? Do you keep quiet and pretend that nothing bothers you? Should you ignore it since it’s really none of your business who your ex dates? Should you confront him about his lies?
Now, most people would tell you “just get rid of the liar”. If lying (or cheating) was a major problem in the relationship, I’d also say “losing the loser.”
But if not, there are plenty of reasons why your ex might not want to tell you that they dated someone else.
1. The most obvious is that your ex didn’t want to hurt your feelings because he genuinely cares about you. It’s not a very good excuse to lie, but it’s understandable.
2. If there is a history of jealousy, needy behavior, or any kind of emotional outburst, your ex was probably afraid that talking about their date with someone else would create an emotionally charged situation, and he or she wasn’t. ready for a scream, tears of tantrums.
3. Your ex thinks it’s none of your business. They haven’t gotten back together, so going on a date with someone else isn’t like he or she is cheating on you.
But if they hope to get back together, shouldn’t something that they both want be honest and open?
I think! I also think you should talk to your ex about what you know but without completely ruining your chances of getting back together.
Whatever you do, don’t accuse your ex of lying by default. Accusing someone of lying, especially if he or she doesn’t believe he or she did anything wrong, is like running into a wall very fast, headfirst! For all you know, unless you’ve seen your ex with someone else on a date, your source may not even be accurate.
My advice is to go for the cooperative solution-oriented prospective approach. The use of an open, direct, non-confrontational, non-adversarial and non-coercive approach radically reduces the harmful consequences of the traditional adversarial retrospective approach.
It would sound something like this: “You know how much I care about you and appreciate your friendship. We’ve had our ups and downs, but look at us, we’re still friends. Last weekend though, you told me you were going out with your friends, but I found out you had a date. I totally understand that we didn’t get back together, but for my own good, I need to know that I can trust others by trusting myself. If you had a date, would you tell me?
People generally feel more comfortable speaking freely when you ask them for help rather than accusing them; and when you are focused on the solution rather than the problem. And most people who approach you this way will probably come to their senses and admit that they actually went on a date and tell you why they felt the need to lie about it.
Listen without interrupting, then, after your ex has finished drinking, follow up with a cooperative, solution-oriented response: “I understand. I’ve made mistakes in the past, and some of those mistakes may have made you feel like you couldn’t tell me.” you were going out on a date. I’m working on myself and knowing that you can be open and honest with me about things like this will give me a chance to practice being more confident in my own judgment and that of others. As my friend, you may need your help from time to time.
This approach may at first seem like you’re acting “weak,” but a cooperative, forward-thinking, forward-thinking approach that doesn’t compromise your values (openness, honesty, and trust) has huge advantages.
First of all, you are being totally honest; second, you are not threatening or confrontational; Third, you are telling your ex that you want them to never lie to you again. fourth, you are telling your ex that you want him or her to know that you are working on yourself and becoming a “new you” different from the person you broke up with; and fifth, you are getting your ex to agree to something that you can work together as a team.
Cooperative teamwork is essential to getting your ex back because it is the glue that binds two people together.
This is just one example of cooperative solution-oriented things you can say. The important thing is that you frame your cooperative, solution-oriented questions and sentences in a way that suits their personality, while keeping it direct and assertive. If your ex feels fear in the form of passive aggressiveness, he will fight back and force you to back off, leaving you feeling petty, insecure, and angry.
Remember to always end with a cooperative search question. Your goal is not to “win,” but to come to an agreement that you can both stick to and move things forward.
But it’s not just about focus, what’s more important is the state you’re in, mentally and emotionally, and of course the legwork you’ve done up to this point. It helps a lot if you are working on yourself because in this process you have to manage your emotions and prevent them from taking control of the situation. This is what makes the difference between a constructive dialogue and a fight.